Friday, September 24, 2010

Blessed with more pain

Where have I been? Recovering from yet another surgery! My last post was July 8th. and the following day, I went to the doctor to ask about a continuing pain in my shoulder. After an MRI, I found myself meeting with a surgeon just one week later on July 16th who told me I had a VERY large tear in my rotator cuff and would need surgery. He happened to have a cancelation on Monday the 19th and so just 11 days after my last post I was in surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff.

Not again!!!!!!!! Not now!!!!!!!!! This wasn't supposed to happen!!!!!!!!

But it did.

It has been rough....very rough. Painful, frustrating, discouraging; downright depressing! Getting older is certainly not for sissies. And boy do I feel old. Between the pain in my shoulder and the pain from daily workouts and PT, crying has been an almost daily thing.

Many fears came with those tears. Fear of getting older. Fear of more health issues. Fear of chronic pain. Fear of being dependant on others. Fear of losing control.

God seemed silent and fear ran rampant in my heart.

One day I cried out saying, "Lord, I am 58 years old, I've walked with you for 27 years, I should have something to stand on here. My faith should be strong, but it isn't. The truth is Lord, I have nothing right now. I honestly don't know how to handle these continuing health issues. I honestly don't know how to handle old age. I honestly don't know how to handle chronic pain. I am coming to You as a little child. I am coming to You empty. I am asking for You to show me how to walk through this place of misery. I am Yours. I surrender. Teach me to glorify You in this."

I quit trying to figure why this was happening and simply and humbly asked for His help, for His wisdom, for His peace. It was in acknowleding my lack that I experienced His abundance.

Empty is where filling takes place. Pain emptied me of the false notion that I was somehow self-sufficienct. Paul says it so well, "Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God..." (2 Cor. 3:5)

I know only one thing....apart from Christ I have nothing. How do I get through this? With Jesus. How do I face the future? With Jesus. How do I glorify God in this? With Jesus.

I will not find hope in a healed arm. I will not find hope in more friends. I will not find hope in better health. My hope is in Him, who made the heavens and the earth.

"....and the life I live now, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and delivered Hiself up for me." (Gal. 2:10)